Insurance Commander & Other Stories

car insurance

Yeah, I did get my car insurance renewal quote in the other day – is it that obvious? I’m insured with the Unknown Seafaring Warlord, but the way his correspondence would have it, you would never guess that he had had such a bloody and distinguished career if his title weren’t the letterhead. It was all “Car Insurance, eh? Oh I know.” and “What about this weather, eh? Tch.” and “Pop on the kettle and take a load off”.

Really? Knock it off. Non-sequitur humour on juice bottles and crisp packets is becoming a little too common, but still in the context of a luxury buy. Buying insurance and dealing with banking (another industry where matey-matey language is tiresomely common) is actually important, and a little stressful. Getting your final quote from your insurance provider, as opposed to the one they initially punch you with, is like one of those stupid who-can-push-hardest fights you have when you’re a kid – it just boils down to who gets tired first. Basically, I’d just like to see an insurance letter that starts with “We’re not friends.” …

cyberman

Who doesn’t like Cybermen? You could probably argue that Jesus was the first Cyberman – he had an indestructible body and ended up living forever – but you probably shouldn’t, I really don’t reckon that that would be a good idea.

time capsule

I didn’t ever make myself a time capsule, a fact which renders my stunning lack of enthusiasm for almost everything in my youth entirely valid. Knowing what I would’ve put in a time capsule – ironic quotes from my favourite fictional characters, a list of ‘good’ videogames, my flourescent wallet from the Jorvic museum, other things – does create a slight uneasiness, maybe I did make one, maybe it’s out there. But is that unfair? Would Olden Times Mark Brady be impressed with a package sent from Future Mark Brady? I’d probably lie to Olden Times, tell him I’m a small claims lawyer or something, which could be funny, but would probably wipe out my timeline. Joke’s on you, Future Brady.

car insurance

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